My parents are divorced. Why do I not feel at home?

On Wednesday, Ido arrives at his dad's with his school bag and a bag of clothes. When he takes out his laptop, he realises he left the charger at his mum's. Dad suggests calling her. Ido says it does not matter, he will manage, and leaves the laptop in his bag. He is already tired of the thought of another trip to collect something he forgot.

Later, a friend asks if he can come over on Friday. Ido starts typing yes, deletes it and checks where he is supposed to be staying. At his mum's, he knows where they can hang out and where his things are. At Dad's, there is a bed, but the shelf next to it is full of boxes that still have not been unpacked since the move. He is not sure where to invite his friend, so he suggests meeting somewhere else.

Nobody has told him he is not welcome. Dad is pleased to see him. Yet every move between homes feels like having to get his life organised all over again. He has two addresses, but he struggles to feel that he has simply come home.

How do I cope with moving between two homes after my parents' divorce?

If you live between two homes and do not feel at home, start with what is missing in a particular moment. It might be somewhere to keep your things, privacy, a routine you can rely on or time when your parent is really available to you. You can ask for a specific change in either home without deciding which parent is better or where you prefer to be.

You can love your dad and feel frustrated by what happens at his home. You can feel comfortable at your mum's and still miss the time you had together before the separation. Several feelings can show up in the same evening: missing someone, hurt, anger and guilt about finding it hard at all. You do not have to settle on one feeling before you can explain what you need.

If the main difficulty is getting a different answer from each parent, the article on different rules in two homes (Hebrew) separates your request from the arrangements the adults need to make.

Why do I feel like a guest at my mum's or dad's?

You might feel like a guest when you have no space that stays yours, when it is hard to plan your day or when time with your parent feels like a visit you have to make go well. Notice exactly when the feeling comes up. Is it when your things are moved between stays, when you need permission for everything or when your bed is ready but you hardly get any time together?

For Ido, the forgotten charger is a practical problem. The crowded shelf raises another question: has Dad made room for me here, or am I just staying for a few days and expected to manage? That is the meaning Ido gives to what he sees. Dad may simply not have had time to unpack and may have no idea how Ido feels. Understanding what is happening means looking both at the situation at home and at what Ido has come to believe about his place there.

A longitudinal study by Rejaän and colleagues, published in 2024, followed 166 adolescents from divorced families. It examined contact and communication with parents alongside the teenagers' sense of belonging to their family. Over time, belonging was mostly predicted by the overall quality of contact. This gives us a reason to look at how a relationship feels as well as at living arrangements. It does not tell us what an individual teenager needs or how many days they should spend in each home.

So it is worth noticing what happens even when all your belongings are there. Can you sit with Dad without having to plan an outing? Does your parent take an interest in your life on the days you are at the other home? Is there room for you to rest, be a little grumpy or invite a friend without feeling that you are spoiling the visit? These are questions about everyday life and the relationship within it.

You can be happy to see a parent and still want to feel that you have a life in their home between the outings.

How can I ask my parents for space and privacy?

Choose a recurring moment that makes things difficult. For Ido, it is the evening when he wants to use his laptop and do something on his own, but once again something he needs is missing. If he says he never has anything here, Dad might start listing everything he has bought. If Ido explains what he is trying to do and what is missing, it is easier to understand what needs to change.

Ido could say: I want to arrive and use my laptop without checking every time what I have brought. Could we find a permanent place for my charger and my things? If buying another charger is not possible, they can look for another solution, such as a regular place for packing or checking together what needs to travel with him. The question is what would actually help within the options they have.

You can also ask for privacy and time. That might mean asking before touching your things, agreeing on quiet time in a shared room or having a regular meal and conversation with your parent without phones. To arrange to see a friend, you might need to know the plan for that evening in advance. You do not have to justify each request by comparing it with the other home.

What could help me feel at home in both places?

Try looking at three things: space, continuity and connection. This is a way to organise one request, rather than a test of how well your family is doing.

Space. What would I like to have that is mine or available to me when I arrive? A shelf, a closed box, somewhere to get dressed in private or a comfortable place to do homework. Write down what happens now and what it makes difficult for you.

Continuity. What do I need to know to plan my life? Where will I be on the day of a meet-up, how will I get to practice, what should I bring and when will I get an answer? Your part is to explain your plans and what you need. Transport or arrangements that require a decision from both parents remain their responsibility.

Connection. What am I missing with the parent themselves? Time to talk, interest in my friends or a chance to sit together without discussing the divorce. If you need someone to listen, another object in your room may not meet that need. You could ask: I would like us to sit together for a bit when I arrive, before we each get on with our own things.

Now connect your request to one situation: when I arrive and there is nowhere to put my things, I leave everything in my bag and feel like I am just passing through. I would like us to clear a shelf together that stays mine even when I am away. You do not need to use these exact words. What matters is that your parent understands what happens, how it feels to you and what you are asking them to do.

If it is hard to find someone who will listen, my parents are divorcing, who can I talk to? (Hebrew) offers a way to start a conversation about what you are going through.

I do not have my own room. How can I get some privacy?

Not every home has room for a separate bedroom. Siblings who live in one home sometimes share a room too. You and your parent can look for privacy and personal space within the home you have: a drawer that is not emptied when you leave, a box others do not open, agreed time to use a room or somewhere permanent for your belongings. Your need deserves a conversation even when the first solution is not possible.

How can I ask for a change without my parent thinking I do not want to stay?

You can start with your wish to be part of the home, then explain what is difficult. For example: I want to feel comfortable here and be able to invite a friend. Right now I do not know where we could hang out. Could we think of something that would work? You are explaining what would help you feel more comfortable there. You cannot promise that your parent will not feel hurt, and you cannot fully control their feelings.

If Dad says he has done everything to make you happy, you can acknowledge the effort and come back to your request: I know you got my bed ready and you are happy I am here. I would also like a permanent place where I can leave my things. You can explain what is still missing while recognising what he has already done. You do not have to say you feel fine if you do not.

If you also hide the fact that you enjoyed time with your other parent to avoid hurting anyone, read about feeling guilty when you enjoy time with one parent (Hebrew). This is a related difficulty that deserves its own attention.

Your parent might not be ready to listen that evening. You can ask to agree on another time. If your requests keep being dismissed, you are repeatedly sent from one parent to the other or you are afraid to speak, tell an adult you trust what is actually happening. You do not have to get your parents to agree with each other before you can ask for help. If you fear being hurt or threatened, speak to a safe adult outside the situation and tell them about your fear of your parent's response too. Better wording is not a solution to danger.

Why am I afraid to ask my parents for what I need?

Let us return to Ido. Suppose he knows he wants a shelf of his own and more time with Dad. As he thinks about bringing it up, he sees how tired Dad looks after work. He feels guilty: he is already doing so much for me, and now I am going to complain. Ido says everything is fine and goes to his room. For a moment, he avoids an uncomfortable conversation. Later, he is left with the same feeling of being a guest, which he still has not explained.

Here, we can explore what staying quiet protects him from. Is he afraid of hurting Dad, sounding ungrateful or hearing that nothing can change? These are possibilities to explore, rather than conclusions about every teenager living between two homes. Sometimes a parent really does not listen. Sometimes finding the words is difficult. Sometimes an earlier experience keeps triggering fear even when there is now room for a conversation.

You can read more about mapping, release and independence on the M.S.A. approach page (Hebrew).

How can emotional coaching help a teenager whose parents are divorced?

In emotional coaching with me, Yossi Medalsi, we begin with what you want to create in your life. That might mean arriving at Dad's and feeling comfortable unpacking, making plans with a friend or saying what you need without immediately giving up. With the M.S.A. approach, we map what happens before you go quiet: what you noticed, what you felt, what it meant to you and what you feared would happen if you kept talking.

With Ido, we might explore whether he has learned that every request adds to his parent's burden, so it is better to manage alone. If that is what we find, we work with the belief and the protective response behind it. In the release stage, we work with the subconscious and the protective part, through the feelings, sensations or images that arise around the barrier. The work is collaborative and follows his readiness and pace, with the aim of releasing what limits his ability to make room for his own needs within a relationship.

After releasing the barrier that has been holding him back, we move to the independence stage: coaching towards the goals he wants to achieve. What would he like his life between the two homes to include? More time with friends, a hobby he has been afraid to try or a closer relationship with Dad? Together, we turn the goal he chooses into manageable steps and agree on how to review progress. He might start by arranging space for his things, then plan to invite a friend. At the next session, we look at what he tried, what happened and what the next step should be. If another barrier appears, we work with it. This is how releasing a barrier leads into building the life he wants.

The emotional coaching for teens page (Hebrew) explains how coaching begins and what we explore at the start.

Coaching gives you space to explore feelings you may not want to share with your parents straight away. At the start, we clarify privacy and updates with you and your parents. Sessions take place online, with your willingness and your own goals at the centre. If your parents need to make a change, that responsibility remains theirs. Your progress does not depend on fixing the relationship between them.

How will I know I am starting to feel more at home?

Suppose Ido and Dad clear a shelf. The next time Ido arrives, his things are still there. That is a change he can see, but it is worth noticing what is still difficult. Perhaps it is now easier to settle in, yet he is still waiting for Dad to take an interest instead of looking at his phone. The next request is about their time together. The shelf has not completed the process. It has helped separate two needs that used to feel like the same weight.

In this scenario, progress might also be a simple message to a friend: I am at Dad's on Friday. I will check with him if you can come over. Ido still needs to arrange things, but he can now imagine his life taking place in this home too. He does not have to feel exactly the same in both homes. He is looking for room for his belongings, relationships and wishes in each of them.

Before the next move between homes, choose one moment you would like to make easier. Write down what happens, how you feel and what you would like to ask for. If you find yourself deleting a message again, saying it does not matter or giving up before you try, you can bring that moment to coaching with me too. We can use it to understand what is holding you back, work on releasing the barrier and move towards the goals you want to achieve.

The teen article library (Hebrew) has more on home life, relationships and the choices you want to make.