Is it OK to feel relieved my parents are divorcing?

You can feel relieved that your parents are getting divorced and still care about both of them. Something that was hard at home might have eased, like the arguments or the feeling of waiting for the next one. You can enjoy the quiet and miss the good parts of living together.

Picture Omer, who’s sixteen. On the first evening after Dad moves out, he’s at the kitchen table with his headphones beside him. Usually, when voices rise in the living room, he turns up the volume. Tonight he can hear the fridge humming. He texts a friend to ask if they want to meet tomorrow. Two minutes later Mum walks past. She looks tired, and suddenly it feels wrong to have made a plan he’s looking forward to.

Why do I feel relieved right now?

Try finishing one specific sentence. Things feel easier because I can eat dinner without waiting for someone to raise their voice. Or because I finally know what’s happening this weekend. The quiet gives Omer enough room to think about tomorrow. He still misses Dad walking into the kitchen and asking if there’s any food left.

A study that followed young teenagers for two years after their parents divorced looked at conflict between parents and the quality of their relationships with their children. Higher levels of conflict were associated with more difficulties in those relationships. What happens between the people in your home can affect how it feels to be there. If the tension hasn’t eased for you, you can pay attention to what’s still hard without trying to make yourself feel relieved.

Why does feeling relieved make me feel guilty?

Omer looks at Mum and thinks that if he really loved her, he would feel as bad as she does. Once he buys into that thought, he considers cancelling his plans. That’s worth a closer look. What does he know about Mum? She looked tired. What did he add? That being a good son means staying home and feeling bad with her.

You can question the thought and still take the feeling seriously. If a friend told you they were finally sleeping well after weeks of tension at home, what would you take that to mean about them? If you’re more worried about how one parent will react when they hear you had fun with the other, read about feeling guilty when you enjoy time with one parent.

What can I do when I have mixed feelings?

Put three lines in a note on your phone. What’s easier now. What I still miss. What would help this week. Omer might write down quiet evenings, Friday dinner with both parents, and knowing when he and Dad can have dinner together. Those three lines give him something to ask for, even while he’s still working out what to say about the separation.

If you feel ready to share, start with one person who can listen without asking you to pick a side. Omer tells his aunt that he falls asleep earlier now, but feels guilty enjoying things when Mum is sad. He finds he can say both things in the same sentence. Then he chooses to text Dad and ask if they can set aside a regular evening for dinner. If you’re unsure whom to tell, start with how to talk to someone you trust.

If the arguments are still happening and you feel unsafe at home, or you’re asked to pass along threats or messages between your parents, tell a trusted adult outside the argument. A school counsellor or a teacher you trust is one option. The adults are responsible for handling the situation.

How can emotional coaching help when the guilt keeps coming back?

We can start with one moment, like the moment Omer considers cancelling on his friend. First, we map what he felt, what he told himself and what the guilt was trying to protect. If he feels he has to look after Mum’s mood to stay close to her, we can work, with his agreement, on shedding that barrier. Then he decides what he wants to do in practice. He might keep the plan with his friend and find time to ask Mum how she’s doing, if he wants to. At the next session, we look at what he was able to do and what still feels hard. That’s how we work with the M.S.A. Method.

You can start with as much of the story as you’re ready to tell. If the same thought comes back every time you feel a little better, bring it to emotional coaching for teens and we’ll look at what you’d like to be different. If you’d rather read some more first, explore the articles for teenagers.