Why Are We Drawn to Mysterious People?

There’s something almost hypnotic about people who keep their cards close to their chest. They speak carefully, share a little at a time and leave you with the feeling there’s more to discover.

We call it mystery, and it can feel romantic. We may read someone’s reserve as confidence or imagine they have a rich inner life. Before long we’re drawn to them like moths to a flame, curious to see whether we can solve the puzzle.

Mystery can draw us in because it leaves a question unanswered. When we don’t know what someone wants, it’s easy to imagine the things we haven’t discovered about them yet. That curiosity can feel intense. It helps to ask what we already know about the person and what we’re still guessing.

Why can uncertainty make someone seem more attractive?

When a detail matters to us and we don’t have it, our attention can keep returning to it. Early in dating, one question can stay with you long after a conversation ends: do they want to see me again?

In 1994, Carnegie Mellon researcher George Loewenstein proposed the information-gap theory of curiosity. He suggested that curiosity can arise when we notice a gap between what we know and what we want to know.

Loewenstein was writing about curiosity. When you’re getting to know someone, an unanswered question can keep you thinking about them. Whether you’re a good fit is something you learn as you spend time together.

When someone says very little, there’s a lot of room for imagination. You might assume they’re thoughtful or deep before you’ve seen how they listen, what they share or how they respond to a direct question.

Ask yourself what would still make you curious about them if there were no puzzle to solve.

What might secrecy be protecting early in a relationship?

Some people open up slowly. Others hold things back because they’re afraid of getting hurt. One quiet moment tells you very little. Over time, you can look for more room to talk and get to know each other.

Sometimes secrecy becomes armour. A person can want to be known and still be afraid of what will happen when someone really sees them.

For some people, there’s a painful thought underneath: ‘If you saw the ordinary, imperfect parts of me, you wouldn’t love me.’

Keeping things secret can start to feel like a way to stay in control. If I keep people out, they can’t criticise me or hurt me. The walls of that fortress may feel safe, and they can leave me lonely.

Being a puzzle may attract attention. Getting close means letting someone see a little more of who you are and giving them room to do the same.

How do you stop guessing and start getting to know someone?

If you’d like to see them again, try asking, ‘I had a good time. Would you like to meet again?’ Pay attention to what happens afterwards too. Do they help make a plan?

Detective work is about hunting for clues to what someone is hiding. When you’re curious about someone as a person, you’re interested in what they choose to share and whether there’s room for you to share something too.

In the M.S.A. method, we start with one moment when you tried to make sense of someone’s silence. Map what holds you back. What did you know, what did you imagine and what were you afraid you’d hear if you asked? Shed the barriers. With your agreement, we work with the fear that comes up. Advance towards your goals and purpose. Decide what you want to build in a relationship and choose a step towards it. You might ask a direct question and see whether you both want to keep meeting.

A real meeting gives two people a chance to lower their guard and be present with each other. There’s plenty to discover in the life in front of you.

The question I come back to is this: what would I be willing to let someone see about me if I didn’t have to stay mysterious?

If you keep finding yourself trying to work someone out, think of one conversation that left you with a lot of questions. We can start there.

Explore personal development coaching.

If you already know each other and keep waiting for things to change, read Why Do We Stay in a Relationship for Its Potential?

For more on dating and choosing a partner, see the relationships library.