Why Do We Stay in a Relationship for Its Potential?

There’s a familiar Hollywood story. Two childhood friends, one secretly in love and the other barely noticing him. He waits patiently through every setback. Then, just before the credits, she looks into his eyes and realises the love she was looking for had been right in front of her. A kiss. Roll credits.

In real life, the ending often hurts.

I meet plenty of thoughtful people who can see that their situation is hurting them and still choose to stay, day after day. They’re keeping a possibility alive. They leave a door open for a future that might happen and give up part of the present to do it.

Take a man in love with his closest friend. She was clear from the start that she didn’t see it becoming romantic. He spends twenty years avoiding a serious relationship. He listens, helps and waits for the day she sees him differently. Meanwhile, she starts a family and gets on with her life. His own life stays on pause.

The same pattern can show up at work. Picture a capable employee who has been in the same role for a decade. Years ago, the CEO hinted that she might become a partner one day. Since then, she’s worked long hours, turned down better offers and accepted treatment she wouldn’t otherwise put up with. She’s staying for what the job might become. While people around her move forward, she’s still waiting for a promise that has no date or clear commitment.

What keeps us waiting?

From the outside, it can make little sense. If we can see what the wait is costing us, why don’t we get up and go?

When something seems to move every now and then, it’s easy to give that moment a great deal of weight. What we’ve already invested matters too. In a study following couples early in their relationships, Caryl Rusbult found that investment, satisfaction and the quality of alternatives were linked to commitment. Investment can help explain why change is hard to consider when the present is disappointing.

Sometimes the hardest thing to let go of is the future we’ve already imagined. For the man in love with his friend, that means allowing for the possibility that she meant what she said. At work, it means acknowledging what the promise has already cost and what it would cost to keep waiting.

The price of keeping that possibility alive can be high. It can cost us a relationship or money. It can also cost us years. When we cling to what might happen, we leave decisions about our lives in someone else’s hands.

If you recognise the wait, the short quiz on coping styles can help you notice what you do when uncertainty comes up.

Letting go of the pattern and making a choice

Start with one question about the present. What does the other person consistently say and do? At work, what has actually been agreed about your next role?

With the M.S.A. method, we map what’s there today, what still depends on someone else and what we keep putting off while we wait. In the Shed stage, we work with the pain or fear that comes up when the future we pictured may not happen. In the Advance stage, you choose an action you can take now. The employee can ask for a conversation about the role and its timeline. If there’s still no answer, she can choose a step of her own, such as speaking to another employer.

In a relationship, give weight to the answer you’ve already been given. Even when it hurts, you can ask what you want to build in your life now and choose one step in that direction. If you recognise the same wait across relationships, read about why we repeat the same relationship patterns.

The relationships library has more to read when you’re deciding whether to stay. If you’re trying to understand your place in an existing relationship, see how couples coaching works.

If waiting keeps coming up in relationships and other decisions, see how to work with it in personal emotional coaching.