What’s the Difference Between Pity and Compassion?

In everyday language, we often use pity and compassion as though they mean the same thing. When we see someone suffer, our heart goes out to them. In emotional coaching and personal growth, there’s a difference worth paying attention to.

Pity and compassion can start in the same place. It hurts to see someone suffer. The difference I see in my work shows up in what happens next. Pity can leave us stuck in the feeling of helplessness. Compassion makes room for the pain and gives the person space to decide what they need and what they want to do.

Sometimes the choice is to ask for help. Sometimes it’s to stop and rest. To see the difference, listen to what happens when we try to comfort someone, including ourselves.

Pity and the comfort of staying still

When someone sits across from me and wants someone to feel for them, or when we find ourselves sinking into self-pity, there’s a human need underneath. We want someone to see the pain and how heavy it has become. Pity can feel like a warm blanket at first. It gives us permission to stop for a moment. ‘I’m having a hard time. I can sit here for a while.’

The trap begins when we want to ease someone’s pain and start deciding what they’re capable of. ‘You poor thing’ may be said with love. If we assume the other person has no choices, we may find ourselves deciding what comes next for them too.

Compassion and the courage to take a step

Compassion lets us sit with someone in the hole and take their pain seriously. It leaves room for the possibility that the pain won’t decide the rest of the story.

Compassion can sound like, ‘I can see how hard this is. I also see strengths in you that you might not be able to see right now.’ It’s an outstretched hand, there to help you find your footing and decide when to take the next step. For more on what happens when we try to help before we listen, read about the difference between empathy and sympathy.

Three examples of taking action alongside difficulty

These three people show different ways action can look when life is hard.

• Nick Vujicic was born without limbs and became a speaker. He shares his story with audiences around the world.
• Erik Weihenmayer lost his sight when he was young. In 2001 he became the first blind person to reach the summit of Everest.
• In 2020 Keanu Reeves offered a video call for auction to benefit Camp Rainbow Gold, an organisation that supports children with cancer and their families.

If you want to notice how you respond when things get overwhelming, try the short quiz on coping styles.

How we work at Heart Compass: a ladder alongside the blanket

In our work together, we give difficult feelings time and attention. We stay alert to the moment when trying to comfort someone starts to take the choice out of their hands.

I can sit beside you in the hole, listen to the whole story and hold a ladder in my other hand. With the M.S.A. approach, we map a familiar moment. Maybe you’re about to ask for help and stop because you’re afraid of looking weak. In the Shed stage we work with the shame or fear that makes you stop. In the Advance stage you can choose one person and ask for something specific. ‘Do you have ten minutes? I could use someone to listen.’ Then we look at what happened and how you handled it, even if the answer was no.

Next time you feel stuck or need comfort, ask gently what kind of support would help. Do you need a blanket for a while? Would it help if someone held the ladder while you decided what to do?

You get to choose when you’re ready to move.

For more on what happens between a feeling and a response, visit the personal growth library’s section on emotions and relationships.

If you want to work on a moment like this in your own life, see how personal emotional coaching works.

Yossi Medalsi | Heart Compass