How to Stop Repeating the Same Role in Life

Many of us know the feeling. You change jobs and somehow end up with the same irritating boss in a different guise. You start a new relationship and find yourself in the same old argument. You promise yourself you’ll stay calmer next time, and when the moment comes, you snap or pull away before you know it.

The philosopher Jiddu Krishnamurti spoke about how the past colours what we see in the present. When we meet someone new, memories and expectations can shape how we hear what they say and which role we take on with them.

At Heart Compass, we start with the moment you slip into that familiar role. What happened just before you answered? What did you want to say? What were you afraid would happen if you said it? That’s where we begin to see what keeps the script going even when the people around you change.

How do you spot the role you keep falling into?

Take a familiar example. People-pleasing. You run a business or manage a team, yet you struggle to set boundaries, say no to clients or hold your ground with suppliers. The first instinct is to push harder. From now on I’ll be more assertive. I need to stop being so nice. You try to force yourself into a new way of behaving.

If you recognise the same role in several areas of your life, explore our articles on recurring patterns and personal change.

What happens just before you fall back into the role?

We start by making room to look at the urge to please. What happens in my body when I need to say no? Does a memory come up? What am I afraid might happen?

People-pleasing may have protected you in the past. With a critical parent or in a demanding environment, you may have learnt to agree quickly to stay close to someone or avoid criticism. Looking at what happens today gives you a chance to ask whether you’re saying yes because it works for you or because that familiar fear has returned.

Once you see what feels at stake, that quick yes starts to look different.

Paying attention changes what you can see. For Krishnamurti, seeing clearly was itself a form of action. In coaching, this might be the moment you realise you’re about to agree because you’re worried how the other person will react. From there, we can work with the fear and find out what you actually want to say.

For another angle on why the same situations crop up, read about the lessons we keep coming back to.

How do we work with the familiar role in the M.S.A. method?

The same questions take a different shape with perfectionism. You spend hours on small details, put off important tasks because you fear getting them wrong, and still find fault with the result. In coaching, we’d ask what you think might happen if you handed in good work with one detail you’d still like to improve. Sometimes a painful belief comes up. If I’m not perfect, I’m not good enough.

If you’d like to spot how you tend to respond under pressure with other people, try the coping style quiz.

Let’s go back to the person who struggles to say no to a client. Here’s what the work looks like in the M.S.A. method.

1. Map what holds you back. We go back to the moment the client asked for something and he said yes. What did he want to say? What did he think might happen if he said no?
2. Shed the barriers. With his agreement, we work with the fear and belief that came up. If saying no feels like it could cost him the relationship, that’s the fear we work with so he can consider a different response.
3. Advance towards your goals and purpose. We choose a step he can try with the client, such as saying what deadline he can actually meet. Afterwards, we look at how he handled the client’s response and what he learnt for next time.

Being a light to yourself

Krishnamurti brings me back to the idea of shedding what I no longer need. What would I choose if I felt less need to protect my image or prove something? As that need loosens, it becomes easier to hear what I want and take a step towards it.

For what comes after working with the barrier, read about building emotional independence after letting go of a pattern.

If there’s a role you keep falling into when you’d rather respond differently, bring one situation from your own life to personal development coaching and we can start there.